Hogwarts, A Comedy of sorts
by Linwe Amandil
Summary: Based on the musical Avenue Q. Draco and Ginny find love, Harry deals with the problems of being famous, Dean and Seamus argue throughout the entire year.
1. It Sucks To Be Me!

Hogwarts, A Comedy (of sorts)

Summary: Based on Robert Lopez and Jeff Marx's Avenue Q. Draco, Harry, Hermione, and the other Gryffindors face normal life and all its problems during their last year at Hogwarts.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, nor do I own Avenue Q (even though it would be super cool if I did…) Oh, and all songs are from Avenue Q, in case you didn't figure that out on your own.

Chapter 1:

Draco Malfoy set the letter on his bed, sighing. It was becoming almost a daily event, receiving letters from his father about joining Voldemort, or, as Lucius put it, "the most noble order which you are destined to become a part of." Draco had known all these years that Lucius would "encourage" him to join the Death Eaters, but it was not until this year that he realized that it wasn't what he wanted to do. Then again, he wasn't sure what he wanted to do. Maybe something…

"Oh, it's just so hard!" Draco burst out, feeling frustrated. "I mean, what am I supposed to do? Everyone expects something out of me, and none of it is the same! Argh!" He let out a scream of frustration.

"Uh, uh, hey Malfoy, you okay in here?" Goyle spoke, opening the door of the dormitory. God, he sounded like such an idiot.

"Yes, Goyle, I'm perfectly fine," Draco said, annoyed. "Now, did I say you could come in here? Get out!"

Up in Gryffindor Tower, Ron Weasley was having problems of his own. Ever since he started dating Hermione, she seemed… even more naggy (is that even a word?). It wasn't like she wasn't nagging him before they started dating, but at least back at that time he had Harry to deal with her also. But now… it just seemed constant, and solely focused on him. He loved Hermione and everything, but sometimes he wanted to scream at her, "Shut up!". He let out a sigh as Ginny walked down the stairs from the girls' dormitory.

"Morning, Ron," she said brightly, seeing her brother lounging in a chair.

"Hi, Ginny," Ron spoke dejectedly.

"Aww, what's the matter?"

"Hermione," Ron stated flatly.

"But I thought…" Ginny started, but trailed off.

"Yeah," Ron said. "I mean, Hermione's great and everything and I love her, but… she's just so annoying sometimes! We'll be doing something peaceful or pleasant, like playing chess, and then she'll start nagging me! I mean, there's only so much a guy can take before… snap! Ahh, I guess it just sucks to be me."

"No!" Ginny said, attempting to console Ron.

"Yeah, it does."

"No!"

"It sucks to have a wonderful girlfriend and then have her constantly annoy you!" Ron exclaimed.

"You really think your life sucks?" Ginny asked skeptically. Ron nodded. "Well, your problems aren't so bad."

**_I'm kind of pretty, and pretty damn smart._**

_**I like romantic things like music and art!**_

_**And as you know I have a gigantic heart,**_

_**So, why don't I have a boyfriend?**_

_**Fuck! It sucks to be me!**_

"Well, it sucks to be me, too," Ron said. "And besides, that's really not even a big problem! Mine is much worse."

At that moment, Dean and Seamus walked down the stairs from the boys' dormitory.

"What's going on down here?" Dean asked. "I heard loud voices."

Ron smiled, seeing an end to his dispute with his sister. "Hey Dean, Seamus, can you help us with something? Whose life sucks more- Ginny's or mine?"

Dean and Seamus looked at each other and snorted. "Ours!" they shouted.

**_We live together_**

_**We're close as people can get**_

_**We've been the best of buddies**_

_**Ever since the day we met.**_

_**So he knows lots of ways to make me really upset!**_

_**Oh, every day is an aggrivation**_

_**Come on, that's an exaggeration!**_

_**You leave your clothes out,**_

_**You put your feet on my chair**_

_**Oh yeah? You do such anal things**_

_**Like ironing your underwear.**_

"You make living in that dorm a hell!" Seamus shouted, agitated.

"Well, so do you!" Dean retorted. "It's like I'm in hell too! Man, it sucks to be me."

Hermione emerged from the entrance to the girls' dormitories, looking scandalized.

"Oh great," Ron muttered. "Here comes another one to join the party."

"What on earth is going on down here?" Hermione questioned, clearly upset. "It sounds like you're trying to wake up the entire tower! I mean, come on, what could be so darn important that you have to shout about it early in the morning?"

"Oh, not much, just talking about whose life sucks more," stated Dean.

"You think _your_ life sucks?" Hermione exclaimed incredulously. "Ha! Let's see… so, I'm stuck dating Ron, who is so sweet but can be a _complete_ idiot," Ron let out a cry of indignation, "I have all the duties of being Head Girl, and I have to prepare for N.E.W.T.s in 10 subjects, _plus_ prepare Harry and Ron, because they'll never get anything done on their own. I think that's got to suck more than anything you all have to deal with."

A shy little first year, who had been casually sitting by the group, now sat staring at them, as though under the Full Body Bind.

"Hey, Harry!" Ginny shouted up the stairs. "Got a frozen first year down here!"

Harry walked down the stairs and was spotted by the first year, who became even more frozen, if that was even possible. "Oh my God, you're Harry Potter!" the kid exclaimed, beginning to overcome his shock.

"Yes, I am," smiled Harry. He had overheard the group's huge "conversation" (more like argument), and decided to end the whole thing. "So, _everyone_ knows who I am, of course. And why? Oh, you know, only because my parents were killed and I managed to live. And of course, my life gets threatened constantly, I'm stuck living with my awful, horrible relatives, and, oh yeah, my godfather just died. Plus, I have to worry about taking all my N.E.W.T.s this year. But, I'm still here with everyone at Hogwarts!" There was a hush of silence, then…

"Wow, it sucks to be you!" Dean exclaimed.

"You win," Ginny said.

"Yeah, it definitely sucks to be you," added Seamus.

"I feel better now," Ron sighed.

"Try having to walk around with people constantly staring at your forehead and gawking! It gets old."

"It sucks to be you!" everyone chorused.

"Yeah, I know," Harry said. "So, why are we talking about this?'

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	2. If You Were Gay

Disclaimer: I own neither Harry Potter nor Avenue Q (although it would be really cool if I did…)

**Chapter 2**

Draco made his way up to the Great Hall, flanked as usual by the two walking lumps of lard, Crabbe and Goyle. "So, what's the plan for today?" he asked his two minions.

"Uh, uh, I dunno, Malfoy," Goyle managed to speak.

"Yeah, uh, I guess… I dunno," Crabbe said, sounding just as stupid as his moronic counterpart.

"Oh, you two are completely useless!" Draco shouted at the pair. They were so hopeless it was almost unbearable. Why did he constantly surround himself with such brainless oafs? Oh, yes, of course, because they were just about the only people his father would let him be around.

The trio finally made its way into the Great Hall, with the thoughts of two of them on nothing but food. Draco, however, was thinking about a variety of different things-

Wham! A small, red-haired… _something_ collided into Draco, sending the both of them flying across the entrance hall. He got up, winded, and brushed himself off before looking around to see what it was that forcefully collided with him. He looked down and found the answer. A slender, red-haired figure lay at his feet, moving as though to get up. "A goddess," he softly whispered, as he bent down to help her up. The figure on the ground looked up at her attacker/helper and let out an audible gasp, recognizing him. Draco dropped the girl and backed away a few steps, looking horrified.

"Weasley, watch where you're going!" he growled.

Ginny looked up, glaring at him. She should have known better than to think that someone would actually bother to help her. She sighed, pushing herself off the ground, and walked past Draco towards the stairs, purposely ramming into his shoulder as she passed. Draco stared after her as if in a trance, then shook his head and followed Crabbe and Goyle into the Great Hall, just in time to see Goyle leaning over the Gryffindor table… _hitting _on someone? Well, _trying_ to- and 'trying' being the operative word. Draco squinted to see who the object of Goyle's affection was, and stepped back, shocked. There was no way that Gregory Goyle was hitting on…

Three weeks had gone by when Seamus plowed through the portrait hole and collapsed on the sofa, alone at last. The books he had piled on his arm fell, first, into the armchair he put them in, and then, onto the floor, one by one. Oops. He bent down to grab the first book off the pile.

"Ahh," he sighed. "Finally- I have the entire place to myself. No one to bother me; maybe I can finally get some of this work finished." He kicked the pile of books as and end to his statement, and then watched as the precariously leaning tower finally crumbled under the impact of Seamus' kick. Suddenly, the portrait swung open, intruding on Seamus' thoughts.

"Oh. My. God." Dean said, sounding like he wanted to both laugh and vomit at te same time. "You'll never guess what just happened at breakfast."

"Dean, do you mind?" Seamus said, annoyed. "I'm trying to get some work done here."

"Never mind that! This is big!" Seamus rolled his eyes. Dean continued. "So, I was sitting down at the table, eating my breakfast, when this guy comes barging past, knocking me headfirst into my bowl of oatmeal. Man, oatmeal, that's some nasty stuff. I mean, it tastes okay, but that's definitely not the first thing I want to get a face full of first thing in the morning."

"To the _point_, Dean," Seamus sighed.

"Oh, right, sorry. So, where was I? Oh yes, face full of oatmeal. So, I grabbed Ginny's napkin out of her hands (don't think she appreciated that) and started to wipe some of that crap out of my eyes so I could glare at the guy. I turned around, after getting most of the stuff off, and the guy was just staring at me. Like, not one of those mean 'Grr, get out of my way' stares. It was so weird; it was like one of those 'Ahh, I think I'm in love' stares. So, I'm glaring at the guy, with oatmeal dripping out of my hair, and he's just staring at me with some really sickening puppy dog eyes, and the whole hall is just quiet. Meanwhile, Harry, Ron, Neville, Ginny, and about 5 other people I'm sitting with are dying, trying not to burst out laughing. Finally, the guy's friend drags him away, looking at me- trying not to puke. Everyone starts talking again, and the jerks I'm sitting with are practically rolling on the floor with laughter. And you'll _never_ guess who it is!"

Seamus stared with his jaw dropped. "That's _it_?!" he exclaimed incredulously. "You interrupted my important, valuable work time to tell me about some guy that was trying to hit on you at breakfast? Ugh, why are you even telling me this? Like I'm supposed to care about some gay guy?"

"Well, I'm sorry, I just thought you'd want to hear about it, that's all," Dean said.

"Well, I don't," Seamus snapped.

"Ok," Dean said, "but just so you know…"

**_If you were gay_**

_**That'd be okay.**_

_**I mean 'cause, hey,**_

_**I'd like you anyway.**_

_**Because you see,**_

_**If it were me,**_

_**I would feel free**_

_**To say that I was gay**_

_**(But I'm not gay.)**_

"Dean, do you mind?" Seamus screamed indignantly. "I'm trying to do something _important_ here!"

**_If you were queer_**

_**I'd still be here,**_

_**Year after year**_

_**Because you're dear to me,**_

_**And I know that you**_

_**Would accept me too,**_

_**If I told you today,**_

_**"Hey! Guess what,**_

_**I'm gay!"**_

_**(But I'm not gay.)**_

_**I'm happy**_

_**Just being with you.**_

_**So what should it**_

_**Matter to me**_

_**What you do in bed**_

_**With guys?**_

_**If you were gay**_

_**I'd shout Hooray!**_

_**And here I'd stay,**_

_**But I wouldn't get**_

_**In your way.**_

_**You can count on me**_

_**To always be**_

_**Beside you every day,**_

_**To tell you it's okay,**_

_**You were just born that way,**_

_**And, as they say,**_

_**It's in your DNA**_

_**You're gay!**_

"Dean, I'm not gay!" Seamus shouted angrily.

"But, if you _were_ gay…" Dean trailed off. Seamus paused.

"What the heck is DNA?" he asked.

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	3. Purpose

**Disclaimer: Nope, don't own either. Wish I did, but we can't all get what we want, eh?**

Thanks to willowfairy, Strixvaria, Aaliyah-Charity, and Lils for the reviews! They inspired me to waste countless double physics periods in order to write more… Ok, so maybe it wasn't _that_ hard to slack off in physics…

**Chapter 3**

Crabbe and Goyle sat in the Slytherin common room, talking.

"Grunt," said Crabbe. "Ugh, grunt grunt, huh?"

"Ugh," Goyle responded. "Bleh, ugh grunt grunt grunt, oogla-boogla. Ach, goo urp huh goo grunt blah."

"Ungah-oof," Crabbe said, disgusted.

(Translated, from Crabbe-and-Goyle talk to some form of recognizable English:

Crabbe: Goyle, what on Earth do you see in that dumb Gryffindor?

Goyle: I dunno. Beauty, brains, a great personality. Oh, and a really great ass…

Crabbe: Oh, that's disgusting. I mean, come on, really, that's revolting. I think I might just go gouge my eyes out with a spoon; it was that disgusting. Yeah, definitely going to go find a toilet and throw up now.)

Draco walked in just as Crabbe spoke his last sentence. "Yes, please do throw up," he said. "Maybe you'll lose some weight after all those brownies you ate last night." A pause. _Did I just understand that junk?_ Draco asked himself, highly confused. He shook his head, trying to clear it of any stupidity inherited from Crabbe and Goyle. He followed the two to the Slytherin table where he piled food on his plate, but he didn't touch it. Draco gazed around the Great Hall, his eyes wandering aimlessly. As he looked down the Slytherin table, he found his gaze falling on the red-haired girl at the Gryffindor table. He couldn't look at her… he couldn't stop looking at her. The way her hair cascaded down the back of her black robes… the golden glint bouncing off her hair as the sun hit it… the profile of her face… Draco was head-over-heels infatuated with the youngest Weasley.

As Draco walked into the dorm, he found a sleek black bird perched on his bed, looking like he was Lord of the Bedroom. Grumbling, Draco moved to take the letter from the bird, allowing it to fly back to Lucius. He lay down on the velvet bedspread and slit the envelope open with his finger, already knowing what the letter would contain.

_This is not an option, Draco… The Dark Lord awaits news of your official sworn allegiance… He is not a patient man…_ "Blah, blah, like I care," muttered Draco. _You will be meeting with him over the holidays… _Draco, who up until this point had been muttering things like, "Ooh, the _scary_ Dark Lord," or "Does he even _know_ how corny this sounds," suddenly fell silent. Sure, he had always known that Lucius was an evil git, but this really hit home. Without even consulting as to the day of it, Lucius had officially signed Draco's life away. Draco started to panic. Wild ideas, like running away and joining the circus, ran through his head. He felt like he was trapped in a corner by wild dogs, just waiting for them to tear him into pieces. As soon as he couldn't stand the pressure, he shouted, "They're never going to take me alive! Ahhhh," and Goyle walked into the room.

"Uh, you okay Malfoy?" he asked, confused as ever. Draco stared, realizing what exactly he'd said.

"Yes, of course I'm fine," he snapped. Why did Goyle always walk in whenever he did anything like that? Seeing the lard still standing there, Draco said, "You can go now!" He gave the other boy a deadly glare, and Goyle went running from the room, screaming for his Mommy.

Half an hour later, Draco found himself standing in front of the potion master's door. After reviewing all of the ideas that had come into his head during his wild rampage and discarding most of them (including running off to join the circus), he rationally decided to go talk to his Head of House. Hopefully there was at least one person in the castle who was mentally stable.

Tentatively, Draco knocked on the door and heard a gruff voice speak, "Enter." Turning the doorknob, he opened the door to face his teacher. Snape looked up from his desk with surprise on his face, not expecting a student to come in to talk to him.

"Mr. Malfoy, come in," he said pleasantly. "What can I help you with?"

Draco stepped into the office, highly nervous. He sat down in front of the desk and stared at his hands for a moment before starting. "Well, I received this letter from my father yesterday. It's not the first time, either. It's all about how he wants me to join the Death Eaters, but…" He trailed off.

"But?" Snape questioned, wanting to hear the rest of the boy's story.

"But… I don't want to," Draco replied softly. "My father decided to make a life out of that, and that was all fine and dandy for him, but that's not what I want to do."

Snape considered this for a moment. "So what do you want to do?" he asked. Suddenly, he realized that he was proud of this student. Defying all the rules he had been raised on, Draco Malfoy made the noble choice to do what he wanted to, and not just what was expected of him. There just might be hope for the future of Slytherin House after all.

Draco sat pondering the teacher's question. Finally, he responded, "I don't know." Seeing Snape look up at him prompted clarification. "I mean, there's so much out there in the world. There's so many things to choose from, and I just want to be able to have that choice, to do whatever I want."

"That's very admirable, Draco," Snape said. "Well, just know that my door is always open if you ever need someone to talk to."

"Thank you," Draco said sincerely as he rose to get out of the chair. Snape stood up as well, and then led Draco to the door. "I'm just glad that there's someone I can confide in." Draco turned and walked out the door, almost looking like a completely different person.

Snape watched him walk down the hall, and then he turned back into his office and closed the door. "Well, there may be hope for him after all," he said.

Draco returned to the common room, felling as though a gigantic weight had been lifted off of his chest. He slumped into the soft, black leather chair, where he sighed in relief. There _was _a solution to his problems, after all.

"I just need a purpose," he exclaimed happily.

**_Purpose,_**

_**It's that little flame**_

_**That lights a fire**_

_**Under your ass.**_

_**Purpose,**_

_**It keeps you going strong**_

_**Like a car with a full**_

_**Tank of gas.**_

_**Everyone else has**_

_**A purpose**_

_**So what's mine?**_

_**Draco felt something hard smushed against his bottom. He lifted his bottom off of the chair, felt around, and pulled out a Knut. He inspected it.**_

"Hey, look!" he exclaimed. "It's from the year I was born!"

**_It's a sign!_**

_**Ba-ba-ba-ba**_

_**Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo**_

_**I don't know how I know,**_

_**But I'm gonna find my purpose.**_

_**I don't know where I'm gonna look,**_

_**But I'm gonna find my purpose.**_

_**Gotta find out,**_

_**Don't wanna wait!**_

_**Got to make sure that my life will be great!**_

_**Gotta find my purpose**_

_**Before it's too late.**_

_**I'm gonna find my purpose**_

_**I'm gonna find my purpose**_

_**Could be far, could be near**_

_**Could take a week,**_

_**A month, a year**_

_**At a job, or smoking grass**_

_**Maybe at a pottery class!**_

_**Could it be?**_

_**Yes it could!**_

_**Something's coming,**_

_**Something good!**_

_**I'm gonna find my purpose**_

_**I'm gonna find my purpose**_

_**I'm gonna find it!**_

_**What will it be? Where will it be?**_

_**My purpose in life is a mystery**_

_**Gotta find my purpose**_

_**Gotta find me.**_

_**I'm gonna find my purpose!**_

_**Purpose purpose purpose!**_

_**Yeah yeah!**_

_**Gotta find me.**_

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	4. Everyone's A Little Bit Racist

Disclaimer: Nope, only thing that's mine is the really nifty idea to turn Harry Potter into Avenue Q…

Thanks again to my awesome reviewers: willowfairy, Aaliyah-Charity, and Strixvaria. Because of you, I'll actually have something to do over summer vacation! Woot!

**Chapter 4**

Hermione could hardly believe herself. Maybe… Harry and Ron were… _right_. The shocker of the century. It was seven o'clock on a Friday night, all of that month's homework (and most of next month's, too) was done, everyone was out relaxing, and where was Hermione? Tutoring some first year in the library. Apparently, however, she wasn't the only one annoyed by this.

"Ugh, can I go now?" said the little first year. Hermione laughed in indignation.

"Are you kidding?" she asked incredulously. "It's been 5 minutes since you've been here! All you've done is open your book and write your name on the paper! Now, let's actually get some work done here."

The little girl pouted. Her name was Ashley, she was a first year, annoying as all Hell, and she was in Slytherin. _It doesn't get any worse than this_, Hermione thought. Why couldn't they find someone else to tutor her, perhaps someone exactly like her. Draco Malfoy. Slytherin student, and annoying as all Hell. Ahh, Malfoy and Ashley. A match made in Heaven.

Hermione looked down at the girl's paper, looking for mistakes. "No, no, no!" she shouted, scaring the living daylights out of the girl. "Henry the Completely and Totally Insane was the one who ate the feet of his enemies, not Harry the Useless!"

Ashley scribbled out the sentence, and then glared at the older girl. "Well, I wouldn't make mistakes if you were actually doing your job and tried to help me!" She put her quill down, crossed her arms, and stared at Hermione.

"Ashley, I'm trying to help you," Hermione said, exasperated. "But I can't if you don't tell me where you're having trouble. You have to give a little, too." She scooted her chair closer to the young girl, and reopened the History of Magic textbook. "Now, what assignment are you on?"

Draco sat behind a shelf in the library, watching Hermione and Ashley study. It was really kind of stalker-ish, in a creepy sort of way. The Weasley girl had just joined the pair, questioning Hermione about some pointless thing. Immediately, he was drawn to the red-haired girl, who for some unknown reason to him (most others would correctly assume it was from hormones) found himself constantly thinking about her. Lost in a daydream, he didn't realize that anyone else was there until he felt a hand on his shoulder. He jumped about two feet in the air.

"What are you doing here?" Ginny asked.

"What's it to you?" Draco retorted.

Ginny sat in shock for a moment, but quickly got over it. "Well, it's nothing to me," she said, "but it's definitely off that you're sitting behind a shelf, watching people." She gave him a 'that's so obvious' face. "You've got to at least admit that."

Draco sat glaring at the girl. "Whatever," he said, sounding like a pre-pubescent girl. "Well, if it bothers you so much, why don't you just go run off to Dean Thomas or whoever. I know how you love him."

"What?" she said indignantly. "I haven't liked Dean for ages. You need an information update, buddy."

"Oh, so who is it, then?" Draco retorted. "Harry Potter? Seamus Finnegan? Colin Creevey? Come on, I know you Gryffindors like to interbreed."

Ginny laughed at Draco's ignorance. "Are you kidding? That's so dumb! You know, you're really prejudiced, Malfoy."

"_I'm_ prejudiced?" he cried. "Well, at least I'm not the only one, Weasley."

"What are you talking about?" she asked.

He smirked. "Well, since we're on the topic of boyfriends… Would you ever date a non-Gryffindor?"

"It's a moot point," Ginny said smugly. "I already have."

Draco silently cursed himself, remembering two years ago when the older Weasley boy had burst into an outrage toward the stupid Ravenclaw boy. "Well," he asked, an evil grin spreading across his face, "would you ever date anyone from Slytherin?"

Ginny made a disgusted face. "Eww, heavens no! They're so evil and gross!"

"And you say that _I'm _prejudiced?" Draco asked. "Now, I do believe that most people would say that that was… oh, hum, _hypocritical_?" He thought for a moment. "Yes, I do believe that you're prejudiced, too."

"Well, I guess we're both a little prejudiced, then." Ginny smiled at Draco, who also had a smirk on his face. "But it doesn't mean we go around committing hate crimes! Er, I hope," she added looking over at Draco.

"Yeah!" he exclaimed. "No one's _really_ that prejudiced."

"But everyone does make judgments based on houses," Ginny added.

Draco grinned, agreeing. "Well, not _big_ judgments like who to talk to and such. Just little ones like… violence before the Quidditch Finals!"

Ginny laughed, knowing the ferocity of the houses before the Quidditch Cup match. "Yeah!"

"Hey!" a new voice yelled. "What are you talking about, Ginny?" he asked incredulously. It was Harry.

"Uh… nothing?" she said quietly, shrinking away from Harry.

"It's just violence between the houses," Draco said casually, as if commenting on the weather. "Everyone enjoys it."

"Well, _I_ don't," Harry said.

"Well, of course _you_ don't, you're in Gryffindor. But I bet you enjoy beating the crap out of us on the field," said Draco pointedly.

Harry smiled sheepishly. "Well, yeah…"

"See! You're prejudiced, too!" exclaimed Draco.

"I suppose so," replied Harry, a bit reluctantly.

"Oh, yes you are!" Ginny pointed out. "Don't you even try to deny it!"

"Okay, okay, fine, I'm prejudiced too. Are you happy?" Harry looked annoyed by having to admit to Draco Malfoy that they had a similar fault. Draco smirked in response.

An uncomfortable silence fell on the group as they realized how long they had been standing around, talking. "So, did anyone hear about the new Cumulus 4800? They're the newest and best brooms out on the market!"

"I heard about that," Harry stated. "I think the inventor was a Gryffindor, too!"

"No, I think he was a Slytherin," Draco replied.

"Actually, I'm pretty sure he was in Gryffindor."

"No, I'm telling you, he was in Slytherin!"

"Guys, guys!" Ginny jumped in before Harry and Draco had the chance to tear each other apart. "That inventor was a Hufflepuff!"

They all immediately burst out laughing. "Oh no, I'm crying," Harry said between peals of laughter.

Footsteps announced the arrival of a new person to the chaos. "Hey guys, what are you laughing about?" Ron asked, stepping into the circle.

"Prejudice," Harry said. Ron, along with everyone else, started laughing.

"Ron!" came a vicious scream from the doorway. Hermione came storming into the library, waving a small pile of papers in the air. "Look at all of this! _This_ paper"-here she held up a long piece of parchment- "was supposed to be 3 feet long. It's only 6 inches! Honestly, Ron, how hard is it to write a 3-foot paper on the achievements of Heinrich the Overachiever? I mean, he only single-handedly defeated an entire colony of dragons, and then he…"

Everyone in the room stopped listening to Hermione's boring sphiel around the time of "3 feet long!" "What on Earth is she talking about?" Draco asked.

Ron looked at them, confused with their reactions. "Um, homework?" he responded. There was a slight pause, and then the entire group burst into laughter.

"Hey, don't laugh at her!" Ron yelled indignantly. "How many of you can do complex arithmancy equations in your head?"

Ginny smiled, sighing at the same time. "Oh, Ron," she said sweetly. "Everyone's a little bit prejudiced!"

Ron scoffed at her. "I'm not!"

"Oh, no?" Draco asked incredulously.

"Nope," Ron said with a smirk of satisfaction on his face. Draco laughed. "Oh yeah, Mr. Smarty Pants? Well, how many smart girlfriends have _you_ had?"

"What? Ron!" Hermione screamed incredulously.

"Hey Ron, I think the term you're looking for is 'genius' or 'Einstein' or maybe perhaps 'bloody brilliant'," Draco said smartly. Ron looked dejectedly at the ground.

"Oh, darling," Hermione said, rushing to console Ron, "I know you're not trying to be ignorant, but it is a tad offensive calling me just 'smart'."

"I'm sorry, honey. I love you!" said Ron.

"And I love you, too," she said sweetly.

"But, you're prejudiced, too," he pointed out.

"Yes, I know. The Ravenclaws have all the brains and the Slytherins try dirty intimidation tactics. And I'm always stuck in classes with people who can't even spell their own names!" Hermione was shouting now, exasperated with everything.

"Me, too!" Ginny exclaimed.

"Me, too!" Harry added.

"I have to live with those people!" Draco cried. He looked around at everyone else as they all realized the solution to their argument.

**_Everyone's a little bit racist, it's true_**

_**But everyone is just about**_

_**As racist as you!**_

_**If we all could just admit**_

_**That we are racist a little bit,**_

_**And everyone**_

_**Stopped being so P.C.,**_

_**Maybe we could**_

_**Live in- Harmony!**_

_**"Everyone's a little bit prejudiced!" Hermione exclaimed.**_

Suddenly, Madam Pince appeared from behind a bookshelf. "Everyone, GET OUT! You're being loud and disruptive," she shouted as she pointed a finger into each person's face, "and disturbing people trying to study. Out, out!"

And she chased them all out of the library, with each person running for his or her life.

**Read? Review!**

Just a note… it may be a while before the next chapter comes out, mostly because I'm stuck on how I want to do this. So, if you know the musical, nominate someone for the role of Trekkie! I'll take every recommendation into consideration.


	5. The Internet is for Porn!

Disclaimer: Nope, not mine.

**Chapter 5**

After the frightening escape from the library, Draco walked back to the dungeons in disbelief. He had just spent an excruciatingly long time with the Gryffindors (ok, so it was only 15 minutes, but Draco's a drama queen who likes to exaggerate) without maiming anyone. Even more than that shock, they had all gotten along! In Draco's mind though, the best part was spending time with the youngest Weasley. Ginny. Even thinking about her made him smile.

"Ahh, Ginny," he said, smiling like an idiot.

Anyways, Draco was on cloud nine just thinking about her. Absently, he pulled the Knut out of his pocket, rubbing it like a worry stone. The feel of cold, hard metal against his warm, soft hand helped to soothe him, and also helped him think when he felt overwhelmed. He was in a tizzy over Ginny. He was infatuated with her, but there were so many things in the way: his father (_But she's a pureblood!_ Draco thought), her brother (_he'd slaughter me in my sleep_), the very fact that up until a few weeks ago, they loathed each other with the utmost passion… the list went on and on. However, Draco's reasoning had been brutally slaughtered by his overwhelming passion for Ginny, so he only thought of how to show her he cared about her. He ran his thumb constantly over the surface of the knut, thinking hard. There had to be something he could do… there was always something he could do! But what was it?

"Aha!" he finally stated. "I'll make her something really special…"

After the incident in the library, in which everyone was extremely way too loud, Hermione returned to the Gryffindor common room, hoping to finish some work. She pulled out her Muggle Studies assignment and looked at it. _Choose a recent muggle innovation and explain its importance to muggles_. Hermione thought hard about this topic. First, she contemplated the phrase 'recent'. But that was only because Hermione had a thing for overanalyzing everything. After minutes of hard thinking, she finally discovered the answer- the internet! It was fairly recent, and it was very important to muggles- most of them couldn't live without it! Hermione picked up her quill and began to write just as Colin walked into the common room.

"Oh, hey Hermione," he said, waving and walking over to her. "What are you working on?"

"Just a Muggle Studies assignment," she replied. "Choose a muggle innovation and explain its importance."

"You're taking Muggle Studies? Why?"

She gave Colin a look. "I just think it's fascinating to see how wizards view muggles."

"I see," he said. "So, what did you choose for your paper?"

"The internet!" Hermione exclaimed.

_**The internet is really, really great.**_

_**For porn!**_

"What?" Hermione exclaimed. She cleared her throat and continued.

_**I've got a fast connection so I don't have to wait.**_

_**For porn!**_

_**There's always some new site.**_

_**For porn!**_

_**I browse all day and night.**_

_**For porn!**_

_**It's like I'm surfing at the speed of light.**_

_**For porn!**_

"Colin!" Hermione shouted in shock.

_**The internet is for porn! The internet is for porn!**_

_**Why do you think the net was born?**_

_**Porn! Porn! Porn!**_

"Colin!" Hermione exclaimed.

"What?" he asked with a sheepish smile on his face.

"You're interrupting my essay! Do you mind being quiet for a minute so I can finish?"

"Okie dokie!"

_**I'm glad we have this new technology.**_

**_For porn!_** Oops

_**Which gives us untold opportunity.**_

**_For porn!_** Whoops, sorry!

_**Right from your own desktop…**_

_**For p---**_

_**You can research, browse, and shop…**_

_**Until you've had enough and you're ready to stop!**_

_**For porn!**_

"Colin!" Hermione shouted.

_**The internet is for porn!**_

_**The internet is for porn!**_

_**Me up all night honking**_

_**Me horn to porn, porn, porn!**_

"Colin! That's gross! You're a pervert!"

"Aww, sticks and stones, Hermione," he said innocently.

"No, really," she declared. "Normal people don't sit at home and look at porn on the internet!"

"Oh, really?" Colin stood up on his chair, looking around the room. "Hey Dean, Harry, come here!"

"What's up?" Dean asked as he walked over with Harry right behind him.

"You're muggle born, right? Well, Miss Smarty Pants Hermione over here doesn't believe me when I say that the internet is for porn!" Colin, Harry, and Dean looked at each other and then at Hermione, and finally burst out laughing.

"Ready?" Colin asked.

"Ready!" shouted Dean and Harry.

**_The internet is for porn._**

_**The internet is for porn.**_

_**All these guys unzip their flies for…**_

_**Porn! Porn! Porn!**_

"Now wait just one minute!" Hermione yelled. "Now, I know that you do other things online. Dean, you told me that you ordered a nice sweater for your mum online. And Colin, I'm sure that you look up new photographic techniques on the internet. Harry, you even sent me a nice online birthday card!"

"True, true," Harry said.

"But Hermione, what do you think they did after?" Colin asked. Harry and Dean suddenly looked down at their feet, accompanied by a sheepish "yeah".

"Eww! Gross!" Hermione cried.

**_The internet is for porn._**

_**The internet is for porn.**_

_**Grab your dick and double click**_

_**for porn! Porn! Porn!**_

_**The internet is for porn!**_

Hermione shuddered. "I hate men."

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**Read? Review!**

Sorry for such a long delay, I've been extremely busy with school. Hopefully I'll get another chapter out while I'm on break, but if not it may be a while before I get a new chapter posted.


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